Its been a tough week! (don’t remind me its only Wednesday). This week my family has had to wait. Stryder has to have a test done. Part of me thinks that waiting for theis a terrible thing. It is through waiting that I realize how finite I really am. It is in those in between moments that I realize how small and vulnerable I am.

The other part of me realizes that waiting is an awesome experience. It is in this time that I am truly learning what Psalm 27:4 means. David says that there is only one thing that he asks of God, only one thing that he seeks that he may dwell in the Lord’s house forever.  That’s what I long for right now. I have all of this head knowledge and memories about God’s faithfulness, but when I’m surrounded by the muck of this world it’s hard to live in the truth. I long to constantly be surrounded by holiness, for it is in that setting that I could easily trust Him and victoriously go through trials without my faith faltering.

Through the prompting of the Holy Spirit I have begun to read The Healing Presence by Leanne Payne. It’s been a wonderful source of strength. It’s a book that I highly recommend when you’re at the end of your rope. God has clearly spoken to me throughout its pages. I have been reminded that God loves all His creatures, and that my darling son is included in that list. I have been reminded that He will never leave us (Hebrews 4:13). And it is by being reminded of these truths that I can even fathom uttering Mary’s great affirmation “Be it unto me according to thy word”. And so through the pain of having arrived at the utter end of any confidence in myself I have arrived at the haven of God’s love and care.

I’ve been tempted to give into fear, doubt, and worry. Yet, as C.S. Lewis puts it “Have no fear, lest your shoulders be bearing this world.”  My shoulders are not strong enough to bear this burden. But I know the Lord’s are. I know that He loves Stryder. That truth has been evident through Stryder’s miraculous birth and life thus far. So I have no other choice, but to trust in God. There is nothing else that I can do. I have been broken this week, and I’m beginning to realize that brokenness is a good place to be.